Wednesday, September 05, 2007

am I really 'that guy' ?

So, I have made the big move and am now at my third university. It's bigger than my first but far smaller than my second. I'm very disappointed in that there really is no 'college town area,' the university is literally sequestered by forest and highway, and as a non-driving individual that makes for poor exploring. I only have the option of walking around campus by myself, which isn't terrible, but isn't very conducive to making friends. Especially since when I start walking I just focus on a destination and ignore (mostly) all else.
My dorm mate is cool and nice. I really lucked out by getting a chill stoner type as opposed to an angry or intimidating heterosexual. That would suck. I'd like to think I'd be able to negotiate an ok living experience under most circumstances, but not having to deal with a stressful roommate, like my last ones, is very pleasant. I'm still getting accustomed to his slang and his preferences, he's really easy-going, but I'm also really easygoing, so the only foreseeable conflict is a lack of movement due to our own indecisive/easygoingness.
Today was my first official day of school in that I woke up here and will go to sleep here and had actual classes. I also ate on campus twice. I was very happy that I had a roommate in those circumstances because it helped me prolong the inevitable eating by myself bit.
And what is so wrong with eating by myself anyway?
Why is so horribly unnerving for me?
It's like a nightmare or a punishment over my head whenever I'm in an eating establishment (but especially when I'm in a cliquey cafeteria).
Both times when we ate today I caught myself accidentally staring at people who were eating by themselves. At first I thought 'oh my god I'm so lucky I have people to eat with' but then I got really sad imagining myself in their shoes. Some didn't seem to mind, but some did look like they would have enjoyed some company. If I ever do have to eat by myself I want to (and hope I have the courage to) approach one of the more lonely looking eaters and ask if I can sit with them. Or maybe next time we go out to eat I'll ask my roommate if he minds sitting with someone who is alone.
I have eaten alone before, in Paris and in a Mall. Eating alone in the Mall wasn't bad because I had a book. In Paris it was depressing because no suave French men offered to sit with me and then marry me.
Loneliness is the human condition, but learning to deal with and come to terms with loneliness is a really shitty thing. I'm just bumming myself out now.
I'm 22 and living in the dorms.
I need to appreciate this experience as a new learning opportunity.
I hope I make some friends soon. . .
Or at least ones who I have enough common ground with that I can let down some of my barriers and start telling jokes. I love laughter.

Monday, August 20, 2007

do you like being told what to do ?

I've been having a very weird day.
Last night and the night before I had very intense, real dreams. The kind where it takes me 10 minutes after I wake up to figure out if my dream had really happened or not, which is bizarre as the topics were quite extreme, such as:

1. performing a musical in a supermarket. . .
2. . .while trying to solve a murder mystery

Oh my god, it does sound like something I would do on a Sunday night!

Starting my days in a confused and dreamy state usually means I have a wonderful day, and today wasn't necessarily a bad day, but I couldn't decide what I wanted to do (it was my day off). I kept surfing the web, watching cable (it was Rosalind's turn on "Summer Under the Stars"), looking at porn, binging.

It was the binging that really got me down.
My weight fluctuates, which I'm starting to attribute to control issues I have. I'm thinner during the Autumn/Winter seasons, and heavier during Spring/Summer. One would assume it would be the other way around - but it isn't. Like I said, I blame control issues (so my mother) and general self-sabotage. Why else would I gain 20 pounds when it is socially acceptable to walk around in a bathing suit? I love walking around wearing nearly nothing! It doesn't make sense..

I didn't smoke that many cigarettes today which could be way I ate so god damn much. I ingest more between 10 and 11pm than most people eat in an entire day. It was like an out of body experience, I came to with ketchup on my face watching Will & Grace and thinking....is that all there is?

I'm not getting too hard on myself though because once school starts things will be different - I won't be able to take advantage of a fridge full of food so I want to use it while I can, plus I won't be able to sit on my ass all day deciding if I should watch Animal Planet or Ted Colunga.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Saint Anne

"I promised," she says, "that from now on I would write only for the Lord."

When did this happen?
Well, in 2005 apparently. . .but still - Anne Rice converted? to Christianity?!


The world is changing. . .

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Acceptance



I wanted to make it BIGGER

Too much bile

I hope that one day physically removing cancer through surgery is seen in the same light as we now view blood-letting.
As a secular humanist, I have a hard time believing in a higher power than cure cancer. It is also heartbreaking to see someone confused as to why god isn't helping them. I do believe that through raw eating the human body can cure itself of any disease.

Last night I went out and I was so proud of myself for not getting black out drunk.
I was scared that I was starting to become an alcoholic because, as of late, I've been having trouble controlling my drinking. Not all the time - I'm sober at home - but when I've been going out I've just been drinking way too much way too fast and hugging way too many toilets. Plus, I've always fancied myself a happy drunk and these past few months I've been getting rather mean. That was the biggest eye opener - not the dried puke on my foot but hearing how I was yelling at people and trying to start fights. That's just not me and not what I do. I still feel guilty for outrageous behavior from June.
So, kudos to me for not getting to that point last night. I've been able to identify my behavior as self-destructive (textbook self-destructive at that, when all votes are tallied) and starting to control it. Unfortunately it is now my friend from high school's 21st and she wants to go out. Ugh. I can't stay home without hurting her feelings but I know that everyone will be drinking a lot and I don't want to drink too much. I think I'm just going to bring a 20 with me so that when I run out of cash it will be an automatic cut-off point.

My first rejection letter!



We regret that we are unable to use the enclosed material. Thank you
for
giving us the opportunity to consider it.

Sincerely,

The Editors

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

antihistamines

While I was running around my living room, playing with my dog and a blanket, I kept sneezing uncontrollably. I ran out of zyrtec so I decided to take one of my mom's antihistamines since she has more than enough (sharing is caring) and it knocked me off my feet.
I've been laying in bed for the last three hours, in that limbo between napping and not napping.
I'd really like to go to Lansing for my birthday but I'm not sure if it's going to be possible.
I have a ride to Lansing but I need a ride from Lansing back to Detroit. No one really wants to give me that ride, though. I can understand that the drive is a bitch and gas prices are high, but I mean, c'mon, it's MY birthday.

During my antihistamine-clouded day I watched a very interesting episode of National Geographic Channel's Taboo in which the subject of transgender/transexuality was explored.

. . .and they're all very rich

It's always best to whisper the scary parts, right Rosie?

So - as if living in the dorms your fourth year isn't bad enough - I have found out that I'm going to have a dorm-mate after all, which is pretty scary and depressing seeing as I was supposed to be living by myself. However, I have only myself to blame for this mishap as it took me so god damn long to sign up for university housing. I don't remember why it took me so long. . .my lazyness? love of procrastination?....I think I might have been too poor to afford stamps....

oh wait, now I remember, it was that sea of credit card debt that kept me from being able to pay the security deposit. Ain't life grand ?

So now I'm going to school, to live in the dorms, with no computer and no supplies.
Pilgrim's pride!

Friday, May 06, 2005

the notion that these lives never end

i have a place to go
but it isn't my home


. . . .
old song/old blues

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

defecation: fun for all ages!

Melt Banana is playing tonight and I cannot wait to see them.
They could melt my banana anyday.
Heh.